Mortality

Every person mentioned here had an impact my life, in who I am. Grateful for having known them is what I strive for but grief made me start this list and is why I keep it updated.

I included the way people died because death usually makes me angry. Angry at the circumstance, angry at God, angry at myself...

Losing loved ones to death is the harshest cost of living.

*********************
Teresa - (favorite cousin) car accident - 1978 - 25
Jimmy - (ex-boyfriend) motorcycle accident - 1981 - 22
Ada - (Tina's sister) killed by a serial murderer - 1983 - 17
Eugenia - (sister's friend) boyfriend shot her through a door at a party - 1984 - 18
Dads Mom (Margaret) - alzheimer's - 1985 - 92
Denis - (friend) cancer - 1985 - 21
Dave -(Lisa F's ex-boyfriend) suicide (grateful he didn't take his girlfriend with him)- 1985 - 23
Lucia - (best childhood friend) boyfriend decided to drive drunk after she passed out in the car (he lived) - 1986 - 23
Beth -(friend) addicted to pills - died of heart failure 1987 - 25
Barbara - (coworker) - cancer - 1995 - 42
Mom (Ann)- found out she was sick in June, died in November, Leukemia - 1997 - 61
Susie Belle/Granny (Mom's Mom)- Alzheimers - two days after Mom - 1997 - 86
Ethel (Buddy's Mom)- stroke - 1998 - 72
Bill (Brother in laws Dad) 1998 - 72
Dad (Donald) - prostate cancer - 2002 - 69
Nancy -(neighbor) cancer - 2003 - 39
Uncle Joe (Fleur's Husband)- emphysema & heart disease - 2003 - 81
Aunt Helen (Dads Sister) - heart attack - 2004 - 73
Bill Jr(brother in laws brother) cancer - 2005 - 52
Rob - (sister's friend) drug addiction/heart failure - 2005 - 50
Bruce - (family friend) car accident - 2006 - 37
Vicente' - heart attack - 2006 -54
Nehemiah -(friend) cancer - 2007 - 50
Alene (Mother-in-Law) - heart failure - 2007 - 81
Richard - ( Rick's Dad) - drove the wrong way on an interstate -2008- 75
Grace - (daughter of a coworker) - smoke inhalation - 2008 - 4
Buddy - (husband's best friend) alcohol addiction/massive heart attack - 2008 - 51
David - (brother's friend) suicide - 2008 - 48
Shirley (Lisa's Mom) - cancer - 2008 - 67
Doris (Rick's Mom) - emphysema - 2008 - 72
Matt (daughters friend) - car accident - 2008 - 18
Orin (ex-coworker) - heart attack in his garden - 2009 - 80
Rhett (ex-coworker/smoke buddy) - cancer - 2009 - 77
Bradley (ex-coworker/dj) - heart attack - 2009 - 47
Ray (ex-coworker) - cancer - 2009 - 64
Juanita (friend, ex-coworker) - leukemia 2009 - 62
Mariah (daughters friend) car accident, she was the passenger, driver lived 2011 - 20
Robbie (daughters friend ) motorcycle accident - 2011 - 22
Dewitt - (childhood neighbor)-head injury (he fell down in the hospital parking lot, just found out he had cancer)- 2012 - 52
Marvin - (Sister-in Laws life partner) kidney failure -2012- 80
John - (musician and sister's next door neighbor in 1984) - ran over walking to the bus stop - 2012-60
Robert - (Diane H's husband) massive heart attack. Died 6 years to the day of Vicente', same cause. 2012-53
Raymond - (Dennis S's dad)  cancer - (well known in political circles, had open bar during the funeral at his request) 2012 - 83
Whitney - (Mother of a girl who has always called me Aunt Karen) - fell off her horse -2013 - 48
Mary - (Husband's younger sister) colon cancer - 2013 - 57
Hailey - (Friend of my daughter since they were 5) hydroplaned on I-75 -2013 -22
Teri - (Ex-coworker) breast cancer 2013 - 52 (she died same day as Hailey)
Sandy - (Husbands Older Sister) lung cancer  2013 - 65 (Thanksgiving Day)
Anne - (Daughter's childhood friend) suicide  2013 - 21 (Funeral on Christmas Eve)
Danny C- (friend from high school) massive heart attack 2014 - 51
Miriam - (Brother in Law's Mom) alzheimer's/stroke  2014 - 85
Velma - (Lisa C's Sister) cancer 2014 - 62
Leila Mae - (Michael V's Mother) cancer 2014-63
Phil - (Sister's friend) drug overdose 2014 - 52
Ed - (Daughters friend) suicide 2014 - 35
Thomas - (David H's Brother)  pneumonia 2014 - 57

small

I feel like my brain is shrinking, the world is shrinking too, 

the questions have less depth, simple answers too complex to comprehend

small town, small talk, small thinking, day in, day out

want to break free but my roots are too deep

maintain, maintain, abstain, complain

Us vs Them

Somewhere in a mysterious land far far away,
There is a haven for lost souls and misfits,
Utopia they declare
They pride themselves for acceptance,
Everyone is welcome........
Everyone except the popular and/or beautiful,
And therein lies the rub. 

Common

classical violin, not intellectual enough

motown, not enough rhythm
folk hippy, not earthy enough

rock hippy, not arrogant enough
funk, not enough groove

disco, not an ounce of coordination

country, can't drink enough

new wave, couldn't pull off the big hair

punk rock, not bitter enough

alternative, not unconventional enough

rockabilly, not cool enough

grunge, well ok maybe i was at times but not intentionally

blues, too depressing

jazz, not sophisticated enough

reggae, dreads don't match my shoes
hip hop, too awkward

rap, only when im outraged

sports, did I mention I am uncoordinated?

popularity, not snobby enough

tough, not intimidating enough

suzy homemaker, obviously not my calling

writing poetry, not enough passion

so I'm destined to be average

I suppose there are worse things

Drunken Limericks

Once upon a time, my sister and I met a bunch of our long time friends at happy hour. Everyone began telling dumb limericks and I couldn't think of one.. 

The party moved to my sisters house after I went home. Much later that night, after several more beers, my sister and our pal Dickie decided to write limericks for me so I could be cool like them. 

Best gift anyone has given me in a long time  ;))

Why I quit drinking at 16

Maybe I wasn't the typical 16 year old in 1980 but believe it or not I was the cautious one in my circle of friends.. I started smoking pot and cig's when I was 12 and could get them. Of course those things became more easily available the older I got. Began going to keg parties around 13. I met my husband at 15, he was 26.

By the time I was 16, Joe and I were pretty serious. We were at the point that it was understood that we would be together on Friday and Saturday nights. One Saturday he called to say he was going out with the boys instead. They wanted to go to a bar and I was too young to get in. I would have been okay with it but it was 4:00 on Saturday when he called. My sister and best friend were out of town, even my Mom was leaving for the night so I couldn't use her car. I felt like he waited to tell me so that I would not be able to go anywhere.

I was determined to go somewhere and have fun to spite him. I started calling friends I hadn't hung out with in a while.. one of them said he couldn't go out but I should call Billy. Billy was 19,  he had a car and drinking age was 18 so he was picking up a keg for a party. The party was at some guy named Steve's parents house (they were out of town). I had met him a few times but didn't really know him. I knew Billy better but we were never close friends.  He had a tendency to steal things,  had been arrested for breaking into a house once.... There are worse crimes than stealing but trusting a thief is always hard for me to do. 

Knowing all of this, I called him anyway.  The house was empty when Billy picked me up.  We made it to the keg store, I waited in the car as he loaded it in the trunk. We pulled out of the parking lot and did not even make it across the intersection when the transmission fell out, bad universal joint. We pushed the car back into the parking lot called a tow truck and the guys at the party. 

In a few minutes a guy named Danny pulled up in a truck.  He was sent to pick up the keg and us. I had never met him before he seemed okay. We got in the truck drove maybe 1/2 mile when we got pulled over. As this was happening Danny said damn, I wish I hadn't chugged that pint of bourbon right before you guys called.... The cops took Danny to jail but they let Billy and me leave in his truck. 

I'm not a very religious person but if I were maybe I would have thought those were signs I should go home.

Once we finally made it to the party we iced the keg and started drinking.  I was one of  very few females  there and I wasn't really having fun so I kept drinking. One of my last memories of that night was talking to some mean girls who showed up.  These girls were two years older than me and they bullied my best friend and I in 6th grade and then again in 9th grade

I remember telling them and everyone there that they were bitches and my best friend was way cooler than them. I walked around getting people to agree they liked my bff better than them and then yelling across the room,  "everyone here likes Lucinda better than you!"

Next thing I remember was waking up on the couch, sunshine blasting through the windows, guys passed out all around me on chairs, the loveseat, the floor.. my first thought was holy shit my Mom is going to kill me. I was relieved when I saw one of my brothers friends on the floor. I kicked him "George, please take me home!" He did, he knew my Mom though so he dropped me off a block away.  I noticed I had a cigarette burn on my face on the ride home. I will never know if I did that to myself or if the mean girls did it when I passed out. 

I was so scared when I walked in the kitchen and Mom was at the table. She said you are up early,  I said "yeah I woke up early and went over to Nancy's (next door neighbor)". "Oh that's nice" she replied and went back to reading the paper.

My saving grace was that I had changed clothes after Mom left for the night and left my bedroom door shut. She never noticed I was gone.

When I was finally in my room it hit me how lucky I was. Not just to fool my Mother but that I didn't get raped or beaten up or arrested.

Not remembering what happened was the worst feeling I had ever experienced.  I kept obsessing over the thought that anything could have happened and I would have been powerless to stop it.

I was born to be the designated driver. My body was not made for drinking, Now I get sick before I get drunk. I still don't like the taste or smell of beer though I discovered I like wine in my twenties. My happy hours: "A glass of pinot grigio and a diet coke please"

A few gems from my silly friends

When in college (in the 70's) and working as a waiter Jose's boss found him eating a partially eaten serving of prime rib off of a customer’s plate... "that's disgusting!" he shouted. Jose replied, "did you see the woman who ordered this? I would have let her sit on my face, so what's so bad about eating her leftovers?"

Amy was about 19 years old and a bit tipsy at this little punk club in a warehouse downtown.  After a few people suggested that she should sit down for a while she yelled "everybody wants me to walk right but no one wants to pay!"

First time Mallory had to be in the hospital a pretty young nurse came in and explained that he needed an enema..... he replied okay, you do me then I'll do you.

One very hot July afternoon at the beach I was enjoying the shade of my umbrella. My friend Rhonda had been lying in the sun and had consumed more than a couple of beers. She moved under the umbrella with the rest of us. We were all in agreement that it was unusually humid. Rhonda said "It's not the heat it's the humility"... (I'm thinking that would be a great title for the story of my life!) **apparently Yogi Berra beat me to it ;)

Toast from my pal Dennis
"Cheers to the women who wear red shoes, they smoke all my pot and drink all my booze, none of them are virgins but it's no sin, they still have the box the cherry came in"

Dani

Dani
Nothing much to do in this one horse town
Boredom is cured with a bottle, a toke, some coke, meth or smack
His passion drew her to him
The danger in his swagger
Yes, he hurt others
People he didn't care about
He's different with me, she insisted
It wasn't his fault, she defended
He loves me, he would never hurt me, she believed it too

When money and the drug supply ran low,  the fighting increased
Addicted to chaos, this becomes the new drug

With the threat of jail looming she tried to be good
Let's stop the drugs, let's get real jobs, let's prove our families wrong
He always agreed, let's start tomorrow

Every step forward he pulled her back four
Manipulation was his favorite game
Every moment, every decision, every thought
He tried to control them all

In the end he knew he was losing
He couldn't break those family bonds
So he cut them for good

Her lifeless body lies somewhere
Waiting to be found

*2/12/2010

Hunky Dory

Summer of 1978
My younger sister and I
visited Dad in Chicago
his image:
suit and tie
conservative
handsome
athletic
corporate exec
intellectual
never liked rock and roll
now he was dating
made me uncomfortable
who was this man in that brand new thunderbird?
giant spectacle it was
a job perk
spoiler on the back
8 track tape player
moon roof
the only tape he owned
a gift from my older sister
david bowie -  hunky dory

Separation Anxiety

I back out of the driveway slowly

Wait for my daughter to pull in front of me

In the lane next to her at the red light

Her music blasting

She is singing along

I turn mine up

And sing too

We smile and wave

I watch her pull into the high school parking lot

Only then can I get on with my day without worrying