Saint George Island

I've seen prettier views,

Swam in bluer water,
Sunk my toes in softer whiter sand,
Stayed in more glamorous rooms,

Basked in more glorious sunsets,

Eaten better food

Still there is no place I feel more at peace.

It's the precious memories there that I own, 

Time spent with the most important people in my life

Mom, Dad, siblings, in-laws, husband, daughter, friends

Every time I cross that bridge I feel the tension release,

My temporary escape from the monotony and pressure.

I can never live there though,

It would surely kill all that I love about it. 

In or Out

Nothing kills you or completes you as certainly as committing yourself wholeheartedly.

Bob, Jane and Cocaine

Cocaine is the drug I hate the most. Some people can do it occasionally and live a normal life, that’s the irony. Too many others fall head so over heels in love with the feeling they dedicate their lives to getting more. I've watched so many fall into that trap that it makes it easier to avoid.

I first tried it when I was around 16. Funny I don't really remember which the first time was. I know it was something I wanted to try for a couple of years. It was a status symbol in the 70's, classy, expensive. From what I hear, it's actually costs less now, weird.

My deep love affair with the drug started when my boyfriend’s brother in law started selling it. He was already good at selling weed, had made enough money to live pretty well for several years. My husband’s sister Jane married her high school sweetheart when she was 16 and he was 19. She was 24 when I met her. I was in high school; my husband (boyfriend at the time) was a ceramic tile setter.  At first, when he only sold weed, a bunch of us would go to their house on Friday nights, play board games, sit in their glassed in patio and smoke pot, listen to music and stare at their giant salt water aquarium.

After he started selling coke, we would blow through a quarter ounce in one sitting. They handed out quaaludes when we were ready to sleep and do it all again the next night. The vibe was different though. The doors were bolted shut at all times. Fewer people invited in, couldn't hear the music over everyone talking at once about nothing. We never went in the patio; we rarely left the living room.

As you probably suspect, that didn't last too long.  His supplier got busted, big bust, federal charges, was sentenced to 50 years in prison. Supplier’s wife, someone they had known since elementary school, was found dead in her swimming pool not long after he went away. They called it accidental death; we all believed someone killed her.

Bob and Jane's marriage fell apart in the aftermath.  Jane had never worked, didn't finish high school. She and my husband grew up in extreme poverty with a Dad who repeatedly abandoned them and their Mother until the kids told him to leave and never come back. All she wanted was to have someone she could take care who would keep her safe. She wanted be a homemaker, eventually have a family. Bob was a bright guy, an artist, good painter and an awesome guitar player, road a harley.  He had never had a job for very long either.  The divorce was ugly but eventually they both remarried and became civil to each other.

By the time it was over, everyone I knew was selling or buying cocaine. So many are dead now, many more dead inside. Jane quit everything overnight and never went back to it.   The quaaludes were the hardest to stop for her, withdrawals are never easy.  She found a job in a factory that made ceiling fans but not before going through a gut wrenching year of chaos and confusion.

It was wonderful to see her confidence grow. She became independent, self-sufficient and proud. It was inspiring. She eventually started a home day care, remarried. Can't swear it's all been happily ever after but it's probably closer to it than most people have.

Bob eventually settled down too. Last time I saw him he was married to a rich woman, driving a hummer...  Maybe it's my imagination or the memories I invoke but there never feels like there is much depth to his smile.

It took my husband and me several more years to completely stay off the train but seeing the consequences, we were convinced we were not cut out to be dealers. Lack of money definitely curbed our appetite...Despite many opportunities I haven't touched  the stuff in over 25 years.Whenever I'm tempted I go through the list of friends I've lost to that bitch.

My love affair with cocaine left me with a bitter taste and a heart broken many times over from watching so many people I love fall prey to her seduction. Some never escape her grasp.

Hero Worship

Some people never give up,
Keep their sense of humor,
Stay hopeful,
Show kindness all their lives,
These are my heroes.

Money, status, brains, looks, creativity, power, fashion, skill, political opinions, religious views, accomplishments....

None of that impresses me as much as a person who never loses their kind heart.

Purpose

A friend once told me you should always try to build up the people you love (especially children) because there is a whole world full of people waiting to try to knock them down and crush their dreams.

The Secret

Love, loyalty, comfort,
Loyalty, respect, loyalty,
Trust, loyalty, intertwined roots,
Loyalty, loneliness, loyalty,
Fear, loyalty and guilt
These are the ties that hold relationships together.

Bus stop

Three men and a woman,
Standing, one pacing,
Headphones on, 
Two heads bobbing

Man and woman side by side
Eyes fixed on phones, 
Thumbs flying

One man on the bench, 
Legs extended, 
Head leaned back, 
Hands folded on stomach

Each a different approach and the same goal 

tick tock

childhood, lah lah,
high school, rah rah,
career, blah blah,
marriage, okay okay,
parenthood, yay yay,
empty nest, sigh sigh,
losing loved ones, cry cry,
grow old or not we die die die

Mortality

Every person mentioned here had an impact my life, in who I am. Grateful for having known them is what I strive for but grief made me start this list and is why I keep it updated.

I included the way people died because death usually makes me angry. Angry at the circumstance, angry at God, angry at myself...

Losing loved ones to death is the harshest cost of living.

*********************
Teresa - (favorite cousin) car accident - 1978 - 25
Jimmy - (ex-boyfriend) motorcycle accident - 1981 - 22
Ada - (Tina's sister) killed by a serial murderer - 1983 - 17
Eugenia - (sister's friend) boyfriend shot her through a door at a party - 1984 - 18
Dads Mom (Margaret) - alzheimer's - 1985 - 92
Denis - (friend) cancer - 1985 - 21
Dave -(Lisa F's ex-boyfriend) suicide (grateful he didn't take his girlfriend with him)- 1985 - 23
Lucia - (best childhood friend) boyfriend decided to drive drunk after she passed out in the car (he lived) - 1986 - 23
Beth -(friend) addicted to pills - died of heart failure 1987 - 25
Barbara - (coworker) - cancer - 1995 - 42
Mom (Ann)- found out she was sick in June, died in November, Leukemia - 1997 - 61
Susie Belle/Granny (Mom's Mom)- Alzheimers - two days after Mom - 1997 - 86
Ethel (Buddy's Mom)- stroke - 1998 - 72
Bill (Brother in laws Dad) 1998 - 72
Dad (Donald) - prostate cancer - 2002 - 69
Nancy -(neighbor) cancer - 2003 - 39
Uncle Joe (Fleur's Husband)- emphysema & heart disease - 2003 - 81
Aunt Helen (Dads Sister) - heart attack - 2004 - 73
Bill Jr(brother in laws brother) cancer - 2005 - 52
Rob - (sister's friend) drug addiction/heart failure - 2005 - 50
Bruce - (family friend) car accident - 2006 - 37
Vicente' - heart attack - 2006 -54
Nehemiah -(friend) cancer - 2007 - 50
Alene (Mother-in-Law) - heart failure - 2007 - 81
Richard - ( Rick's Dad) - drove the wrong way on an interstate -2008- 75
Grace - (daughter of a coworker) - smoke inhalation - 2008 - 4
Buddy - (husband's best friend) alcohol addiction/massive heart attack - 2008 - 51
David - (brother's friend) suicide - 2008 - 48
Shirley (Lisa's Mom) - cancer - 2008 - 67
Doris (Rick's Mom) - emphysema - 2008 - 72
Matt (daughters friend) - car accident - 2008 - 18
Orin (ex-coworker) - heart attack in his garden - 2009 - 80
Rhett (ex-coworker/smoke buddy) - cancer - 2009 - 77
Bradley (ex-coworker/dj) - heart attack - 2009 - 47
Ray (ex-coworker) - cancer - 2009 - 64
Juanita (friend, ex-coworker) - leukemia 2009 - 62
Mariah (daughters friend) car accident, she was the passenger, driver lived 2011 - 20
Robbie (daughters friend ) motorcycle accident - 2011 - 22
Dewitt - (childhood neighbor)-head injury (he fell down in the hospital parking lot, just found out he had cancer)- 2012 - 52
Marvin - (Sister-in Laws life partner) kidney failure -2012- 80
John - (musician and sister's next door neighbor in 1984) - ran over walking to the bus stop - 2012-60
Robert - (Diane H's husband) massive heart attack. Died 6 years to the day of Vicente', same cause. 2012-53
Raymond - (Dennis S's dad)  cancer - (well known in political circles, had open bar during the funeral at his request) 2012 - 83
Whitney - (Mother of a girl who has always called me Aunt Karen) - fell off her horse -2013 - 48
Mary - (Husband's younger sister) colon cancer - 2013 - 57
Hailey - (Friend of my daughter since they were 5) hydroplaned on I-75 -2013 -22
Teri - (Ex-coworker) breast cancer 2013 - 52 (she died same day as Hailey)
Sandy - (Husbands Older Sister) lung cancer  2013 - 65 (Thanksgiving Day)
Anne - (Daughter's childhood friend) suicide  2013 - 21 (Funeral on Christmas Eve)
Danny C- (friend from high school) massive heart attack 2014 - 51
Miriam - (Brother in Law's Mom) alzheimer's/stroke  2014 - 85
Velma - (Lisa C's Sister) cancer 2014 - 62
Leila Mae - (Michael V's Mother) cancer 2014-63
Phil - (Sister's friend) drug overdose 2014 - 52
Ed - (Daughters friend) suicide 2014 - 35
Thomas - (David H's Brother)  pneumonia 2014 - 57

small

I feel like my brain is shrinking, the world is shrinking too, 

the questions have less depth, simple answers too complex to comprehend

small town, small talk, small thinking, day in, day out

want to break free but my roots are too deep

maintain, maintain, abstain, complain